Tonite I'm struggling. Looking at a line I've marked, knowing it's just a matter of going through with the action with a heavier hand. Knowing that the choice is one tha isn't one I can come back from once it's made. I still drew the line, It's puffed up red on my skin and has just enough tenderness that I can think about it.
Today was difficult. The whole past year has been difficult, hell I can't remember a time when I wanted to live anymore.
Everyone wants folks feeling like this, to think of everyone it will hurt. But they fail to understand how deep the pain is cutting inside to make us want to end it all.
The daily pain is making things extremely difficult.
The desire to be wanted, yet not feeling wanted. The longing for a place to belong, yet struggling just to survive.
They promised us the world, but here we are barely able to scrape by.
I'm so tired of crying everyday. I'm so tired of hurting everyday. I'm so tired of pretending everything is ok.
They say we share our pain this way, in the hopes maybe there is someone who will be able to throw us a lifeline.
but i don't know if there's anything strong enough to pull me back from the riptide in my mind this time.
And who'd even want to.
I was reminded today how difficult I am. How much of a problem I am, how much effort I require just to put up with me....
i swear i've tried so hard to be as low effort for everyone as possible.
i don't know what else i can do.
i don't know what to do.
i want to end it all so bad.
yet i hesitate. i'm not sure how much longer i can hesitate.
