Turning Pages

 It's been a year and things have changed a lot. I am still dealing with things that I had before, but sometimes it feels heavier than it used to. Talking to people about it, feels awkward and I don't want to be more of a burden than I already feel I am.

But there are good things that I am starting to do. I'm not going to be hiding my art like I was, but I am still going to be slow about production of anything. Cost is a major factor, as the budget is tight, but I still want to share my art with others and help bring glimmers of happiness.

Which brings me to another thing I have finally decided to settle on. I really enjoy the Furry community, and have had various fur characters over time when I roleplayed online. But I have decided to build up a character, and eventually either have a partial fur suit or at least a head.

My fursona is a type of scalie, and is my own creation. I have been working on art of her, but I am torn about how to color her clothing. Mainly because I feel they are allowed to change their outfits, so commiting to one attire look seems silly to me.

My Fursona is named Glimmer, and she is a Night Axolotl.

This is my work in progress of her character design. There are a few reasons for my choices so far. She is dark colored because I don't really want to stick out too much, but I want to also be able to keep her clean. So sometimes simple is good. I love the idea of having silver stars on her as her iridophores, because I think they're important. I also wanna make sure she has the proper toe/finger count. 5 toes, 4 fingers. (Axolotls are weird XD)

But yeah, that's where I am atm.

Trying to find glimmers of reasons to keep moving along. Hence why she's named what she is.

Yay?

Grief and Loss: A Year Later

Grief and loss are often used interchangably and while not wrong there is a varying degree that each word is valid. It's been a whole year now, and while there was grieving in my life before, this has felt different.

Partly because at the origination of the grieving process I had things to do to keep me busy, I didn't have time to just think about it. I worked on editing videos, and sorting out photographs to share on the boards. I was busy trying to answer the questions that I could answer, though there are still questions that I don't have any answers for.

Why? There is never a good reason and people are not machines. We all end eventually and that is ok. It doesn't make it feel any better for the people that are still here. But there's a lot of pain in the process of going through the memories still. But it's been a year now and to be honest, this feels harder than the original instance.

There have been times this year when I have wanted nothing more but to call my Mom. But there's not going to be the same response. Dad still has all 4 phones active. But it's not the same, because there are some things you just want to talk to your Mom about.

There are other things that have come up that while stressful have not been so terrible. The realization that at this point certain activities no longer really have a purpose for me. A wedding isn't likely to happen, but the people that would have hoped for things like that are gone. Which is fine.

There's grieving for the unknowns, the things thatmight have been, and now will never be. 

It's hard to be proud of oneself, when all you feel is... frustration and dissapointment with the world around you. There's not really a sounding board out there.

True my friends and family can give me answers. But there are certain degrees of honestly that our parents are able to offer in certain situations that friends and siblings cannot.

Loss and grief, grief and loss. They're something that flow together as you process the death.

It doesn't seem to be getting easier but that's ok, especially since there is no one going to be fixing it for me. The only person that can fix the way I feel is going to be me. A fact that is very difficult.

Grief: Noun

1 a: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death.

b: a cause of deep sadness

2 informal

a: trouble or annoyance

b: annoying or playful criticism

Loss : Noun

1: destruction, ruin

2a (1) : the act or fact of being unable to keep or maintain something or someone

(2) : the partial or complete deterioration or absence of a physical capability or function

b: the harm or privation resulting from losing or being separated from someone or something

c: an instance of losing someone or something

3: a person or thing or an amount that is lost: such as

a losses plural : killed, wounded, or captured soldiers

b : the power diminution of a circuit (see circuit entry 1 sense 4a) or circuit element corresponding to conversion of electrical energy into heat by resistance (see resistance entry 1 sense 4a)

4 a : failure to gain, win, obtain, or utilize

   b : an amount by which the cost of something exceeds its selling price

5 : decrease in amount, magnitude, value, or degree

6 : the amount of an insured's financial detriment by death or damage that the insurer is liable for

7 American football : the distance the ball is moved away from the goal during a play

 “Grief.” Merriam-Webster.com Simple Definition, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/simple/grief. Accessed 4 Apr. 2026.

“Loss.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/loss. Accessed 4 Apr. 2026.