Grief and Loss: A Year Later

Grief and loss are often used interchangably and while not wrong there is a varying degree that each word is valid. It's been a whole year now, and while there was grieving in my life before, this has felt different.

Partly because at the origination of the grieving process I had things to do to keep me busy, I didn't have time to just think about it. I worked on editing videos, and sorting out photographs to share on the boards. I was busy trying to answer the questions that I could answer, though there are still questions that I don't have any answers for.

Why? There is never a good reason and people are not machines. We all end eventually and that is ok. It doesn't make it feel any better for the people that are still here. But there's a lot of pain in the process of going through the memories still. But it's been a year now and to be honest, this feels harder than the original instance.

There have been times this year when I have wanted nothing more but to call my Mom. But there's not going to be the same response. Dad still has all 4 phones active. But it's not the same, because there are some things you just want to talk to your Mom about.

There are other things that have come up that while stressful have not been so terrible. The realization that at this point certain activities no longer really have a purpose for me. A wedding isn't likely to happen, but the people that would have hoped for things like that are gone. Which is fine.

There's grieving for the unknowns, the things thatmight have been, and now will never be. 

It's hard to be proud of oneself, when all you feel is... frustration and dissapointment with the world around you. There's not really a sounding board out there.

True my friends and family can give me answers. But there are certain degrees of honestly that our parents are able to offer in certain situations that friends and siblings cannot.

Loss and grief, grief and loss. They're something that flow together as you process the death.

It doesn't seem to be getting easier but that's ok, especially since there is no one going to be fixing it for me. The only person that can fix the way I feel is going to be me. A fact that is very difficult.

Grief: Noun

1 a: deep sadness caused especially by someone's death.

b: a cause of deep sadness

2 informal

a: trouble or annoyance

b: annoying or playful criticism

Loss : Noun

1: destruction, ruin

2a (1) : the act or fact of being unable to keep or maintain something or someone

(2) : the partial or complete deterioration or absence of a physical capability or function

b: the harm or privation resulting from losing or being separated from someone or something

c: an instance of losing someone or something

3: a person or thing or an amount that is lost: such as

a losses plural : killed, wounded, or captured soldiers

b : the power diminution of a circuit (see circuit entry 1 sense 4a) or circuit element corresponding to conversion of electrical energy into heat by resistance (see resistance entry 1 sense 4a)

4 a : failure to gain, win, obtain, or utilize

   b : an amount by which the cost of something exceeds its selling price

5 : decrease in amount, magnitude, value, or degree

6 : the amount of an insured's financial detriment by death or damage that the insurer is liable for

7 American football : the distance the ball is moved away from the goal during a play

 “Grief.” Merriam-Webster.com Simple Definition, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/simple/grief. Accessed 4 Apr. 2026.

“Loss.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/loss. Accessed 4 Apr. 2026.

Struggling to Find a Reason

 Tonite I'm struggling. Looking at a line I've marked, knowing it's just a matter of going through with the action with a heavier hand. Knowing that the choice is one tha isn't one I can come back from once it's made. I still drew the line, It's puffed up red on my skin and has just enough tenderness that I can think about it.

Today was difficult. The whole past year has been difficult, hell I can't remember a time when I wanted to live anymore. 

Everyone wants folks feeling like this, to think of everyone it will hurt. But they fail to understand how deep the pain is cutting inside to make us want to end it all.

The daily pain is making things extremely difficult.

The desire to be wanted, yet not feeling wanted. The longing for a place to belong, yet struggling just to survive.

They promised us the world, but here we are barely able to scrape by.

I'm so tired of crying everyday. I'm so tired of hurting everyday. I'm so tired of pretending everything is ok.

They say we share our pain this way, in the hopes maybe there is someone who will be able to throw us a lifeline.

but i don't know if there's anything strong enough to pull me back from the riptide in my mind this time.

And who'd even want to.

I was reminded today how difficult I am. How much of a problem I am, how much effort I require just to put up with me....

i swear i've tried so hard to be as low effort for everyone as possible.

i don't know what else i can do.

i don't know what to do.

i want to end it all so bad.

yet i hesitate. i'm not sure how much longer i can hesitate.

Reflection On the Absurdity

 The insanity that is the world we are currently being subjected to in the United States is not only sad, but was fought against by our elders. The ones we have been losing for years now. The ones that are curreenly rolling in their graves. The ones who saw this all happen already, and had the receipts and photos to prove that the world doesn't need that kind of cruelty.

Yet here we are. In an absurd reality. Nothing is going the way they would have expected. Hell it has been a long time since the 40's. But it hasn't been so long that the reality of what happened has disappeared. The scars of World War II are deep around the world, yet here we are in the United States with limited reminders, and no respect for history.

I mean seriously, what scar does our country actually carry from any of the world wars? Pearl Harbor, and the graves around the world filled with brothers, husbands, sons, family. But at this point all of that is merely a ghost. There's a lack of immediacy making the things that already happened seem irrelevant to people with a lack of empathy for their fellow man.

At one point, being an American from the United States was a badge that, while sometimes flawed, let us see the world as equals. But that time has now passed. We have lost what little faith the world had in our people due to the choice of one orange fool in a half demolished white house.

I am honestly dissapointed in the people who voted for this bullshit. I am dissapointed in the people who couldn't listen to reason and common sense. The people who thought there was a quick buck to be made on the back of someone else's misery. Guess what? That misery has now come for us all, and you still defend the lunacy?

I seriously have lost hope in seeing any good come in the rest of my lifetime. At this point the damage that has been done is not goign to be repairable for decades. And it only took an idiot less than a full year to ruin everything.

I don't care if I offend you with my frustration. But right now, I have no idea what to say. We're seeing a repeat of World War II's policies and behaviors, and not stopping them? 

The hardest part in this, is that the generation that put this stupidity into action should have known better. Their parents fought against it. The amount of shame I feel knowing they couldn't even stand against it long enough to vote for someone better, is sickening.

The reminders of what this will cost, are so far away around the world, but at this rate we're going to be living through it. I just hope that some of the common sense survives and makes it through into the silver lining of the future, if there is one.

I don't see one right now. And I pray for common sense, kindness, and empathy to take the wheel. 

May there be a reckoning for the fools and mercy for the ones who had no choice.