Struggling to Find a Reason

 Tonite I'm struggling. Looking at a line I've marked, knowing it's just a matter of going through with the action with a heavier hand. Knowing that the choice is one tha isn't one I can come back from once it's made. I still drew the line, It's puffed up red on my skin and has just enough tenderness that I can think about it.

Today was difficult. The whole past year has been difficult, hell I can't remember a time when I wanted to live anymore. 

Everyone wants folks feeling like this, to think of everyone it will hurt. But they fail to understand how deep the pain is cutting inside to make us want to end it all.

The daily pain is making things extremely difficult.

The desire to be wanted, yet not feeling wanted. The longing for a place to belong, yet struggling just to survive.

They promised us the world, but here we are barely able to scrape by.

I'm so tired of crying everyday. I'm so tired of hurting everyday. I'm so tired of pretending everything is ok.

They say we share our pain this way, in the hopes maybe there is someone who will be able to throw us a lifeline.

but i don't know if there's anything strong enough to pull me back from the riptide in my mind this time.

And who'd even want to.

I was reminded today how difficult I am. How much of a problem I am, how much effort I require just to put up with me....

i swear i've tried so hard to be as low effort for everyone as possible.

i don't know what else i can do.

i don't know what to do.

i want to end it all so bad.

yet i hesitate. i'm not sure how much longer i can hesitate.

Reflection On the Absurdity

 The insanity that is the world we are currently being subjected to in the United States is not only sad, but was fought against by our elders. The ones we have been losing for years now. The ones that are curreenly rolling in their graves. The ones who saw this all happen already, and had the receipts and photos to prove that the world doesn't need that kind of cruelty.

Yet here we are. In an absurd reality. Nothing is going the way they would have expected. Hell it has been a long time since the 40's. But it hasn't been so long that the reality of what happened has disappeared. The scars of World War II are deep around the world, yet here we are in the United States with limited reminders, and no respect for history.

I mean seriously, what scar does our country actually carry from any of the world wars? Pearl Harbor, and the graves around the world filled with brothers, husbands, sons, family. But at this point all of that is merely a ghost. There's a lack of immediacy making the things that already happened seem irrelevant to people with a lack of empathy for their fellow man.

At one point, being an American from the United States was a badge that, while sometimes flawed, let us see the world as equals. But that time has now passed. We have lost what little faith the world had in our people due to the choice of one orange fool in a half demolished white house.

I am honestly dissapointed in the people who voted for this bullshit. I am dissapointed in the people who couldn't listen to reason and common sense. The people who thought there was a quick buck to be made on the back of someone else's misery. Guess what? That misery has now come for us all, and you still defend the lunacy?

I seriously have lost hope in seeing any good come in the rest of my lifetime. At this point the damage that has been done is not goign to be repairable for decades. And it only took an idiot less than a full year to ruin everything.

I don't care if I offend you with my frustration. But right now, I have no idea what to say. We're seeing a repeat of World War II's policies and behaviors, and not stopping them? 

The hardest part in this, is that the generation that put this stupidity into action should have known better. Their parents fought against it. The amount of shame I feel knowing they couldn't even stand against it long enough to vote for someone better, is sickening.

The reminders of what this will cost, are so far away around the world, but at this rate we're going to be living through it. I just hope that some of the common sense survives and makes it through into the silver lining of the future, if there is one.

I don't see one right now. And I pray for common sense, kindness, and empathy to take the wheel. 

May there be a reckoning for the fools and mercy for the ones who had no choice.