From Cheerios to California

The city nearest where I have lived most of my life so far, has a tendency to smell like Cheerios. It's actually a well known fact that amuses a lot of people.  They even have shirts that declare it. There are two seasons, Winter and Construction. And there are definitely some of the best people you will ever meet to be found in the areas around the City of Buffalo. There's Shakespeare in Delaware Park, Forest Lawn Cemetery to picnic in, The Albright Knox Art Gallery, and thousands of events and places to see throughout the year.

California on the other hand, isn't someplace that I honestly know much about.

It never really was something I ever planned to do. Moving so far away from everything I ever knew. A few hours away, yeah maybe that had crossed my mind. But across the country? Maybe in those moments of wishful hopeful dreaming that I had when I was a kid. But this move has nothing to do with a dream.

This move is partly out of necessity, and it's a chance to start fresh. Maybe I can get out of the depressed rut that I've been in for almost a year now. And that's being nice.... I think it's been far longer than that. But the necessity isn't for me. Polka Dots Mom needs him. He moved to Buffalo, and we've given life here a good shot and a hearty attempt. But things aren't always as good as people pretend they are. His Mom needs help, and he can help. If that makes any sense.

Honesty is a key issue in this matter. It's very hard to just get up and tell everyone that I'm moving. They're going to disapprove and try to talk me out of it. But I need to do this. I need to leap, I need to get outside of my comfort zone. There's a huge world out there, and I can take a part of it. But I need to try and be brave enough to do it.

It's been rough trying to figure out how I'm going to do this. Today...was a real eye opener. Cayden was going to come stay here at the apartment with me. But when he got here he started commenting about everything that was missing from the apartment. He was all happy to be here, but then he turned around after seeing so many things gone and decided he wanted to go home. He stomped out to the car and they went back home.

I hadn't thought about how much this was going to hurt. I'm sitting here in tears because a three year old kid didn't want to stay over. Why? Because it's finally clicked in his head that us telling him over and over that I'm moving wasn't just talk, it's a fact. I don't know if that means he is mad at me, or for how long he will be mad at me...

But I'm upset myself. I'm trading Cheerios and the kids for Polka Dot and uncertainty. I'm kind of scared. In fact am terrified. But I'm sure this is a good thing, this is something good for all of us. I just wish that I believed that.