Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Just some Thoughts

You're afraid of being alone. You're so afraid of being alone, that you think you should be alone. And in believing this out of fear, you push people away. You think because you feel lonely it's someone else's fault.

But what are you doing it to change that? You're pushing away people that love you. You're cutting yourself off from positivity. In fact you're clinging to things that project more negativity into your life. Why?

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I've had a few heartbreaks. Each one different. But the last one, it was worse. It was worse because at the core I had really believed things were supposed to have a happily ever after. Instead I found out that, you know what, not everyone can accept things for what they may be. Instead they want more than is possible.

Yet I still clung to hope that maybe things would be ok... but in the end it didn't matter. A short window of time showed me that I was not only replaceable, but forgettable. As always....

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Spare parts. That's what I often refer to myself as. Spare parts, in case someone else gets hurt or needs something, there's always me. Maybe it sounds sad to you that I would feel that way, but people have led me to believe this.

Unless they need something, I don't exist.

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I feel hurt, but should I? The wound is not mine, but there is a part of me that feels like maybe, just maybe it is partially mine. I've been crying, and there's not really a reason that I can find to justify the tears, other than that I'm mourning something that I thought existed.

Like a child finding out there's no Santa Claus, I'm starting to wonder if there's no such thing as true love.

Pathetic as it may sound that's the thought dancing around in my mind. There's no such thing as true love, and everyone will leave in the end.

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Acting out of anger doesn't change things. In fact you're only going to feel worse in the end. So I'm sorry that you miss things you can't return to. I'm sorry that I can't help you feel what it is you miss. I'm sorry that you have blinders on your mind preventing you from seeing and feeling more than your own pain.

Because hurting others, isn't an answer. It's not a solution, and you're going to find yourself questioning why you did it eventually, and by then it will be too late.

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